‘I’m young, debt-free and happy-go-lucky’: My boyfriend has $45,000 in debts, two houses, two kids and pays child support. Is he a safe bet to marry?
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I’m young, debt-free and happy-go-lucky. Though by no means would I consider myself financially literate, I’ve been able to save, max out my 401(k), and contribute to a Roth IRA. My boyfriend has had a very different life. He’s been married and has two children from that relationship. His education has not made much difference, as he is a business owner (with side jobs to supplement his income).
He is $45,000 in debt from school and has two houses and a car to pay off. He says he will be selling one of his houses in the near future. I am concerned about how his debt, and any alimony/child support he’ll be paying his ex-wife, will affect me. Currently, I don’t own my own home. Lately, we’ve been discussing the future, including marriage. I’ve been advised by several people to run for the hills.
Any advice or input you can give me would be much appreciated. I want to protect my assets.
Questioning My Relationship
Dear Questioning,
There’s one word missing from your letter: love.
Do you love him? Other questions that are key to your situation: Do you trust him? Do you like him? Can you envision a life with him? His kids will be grown up before you know it, and they will have kids of their own. Can you imagine growing old with him? When you have spent time in his company, how does that make you feel? Nourished, happy and at peace? Or confused and alone? Marriage is a business contract and it’s important to be financially transparent with each other, as he has been, but it’s also a commitment to spend your life together.
As for your responsibility for your potential husband’s student debt and child-support payments. “A new spouse is not obligated to support a child from a prior marriage or relationship,” according to McKean Family Law in Roseville, Calif. “The responsibility of making sure the child’s basic needs are being met falls on the parents of the child.” And student debt incurred prior to you marrying is typically considered separate — not marital — property and is not your responsibility, as long as you are not a co-signer and have not guaranteed the loan. In any case, a prenuptial agreement is a good idea for anyone getting married for the first (or second) time.
He is more than the sum of his financial parts.
No one will be perfect and, in the grand scheme of things, $40,000 is not a lot of money to owe for student loans, especially if he has equity in his homes that he could tap in an emergency, and a good career. Your question about whether you should run for the hills suggests a certain detachment. If you are looking at this as strictly a financial set-up, you will be unhappy regardless of whether he is solvent or not. Americans owe approximately $1.6 trillion in student debt, up more than 40% over the last decade. Those with a postgraduate degree owe a median of $40,000 to $49,999, according to the Pew Research Center.
On the upside: “Young college graduates with student loans still tend to have higher household incomes than their counterparts who haven’t completed college,” Pew says. “For many young adults, student loans are a way to make an otherwise unattainable education a reality. Although these students have to borrow money to attend college, the investment might make sense if it leads to higher earnings later in life. College graduates ages 25 to 39 who have student loan debt have higher household incomes than non-college graduates in the same age group.” Being self-employed takes guts, and it’s not an easy road.
He’s not a deadbeat dad. He’s not a bad guy, at least from your telling. He is more than the sum of his financial parts. You may prefer someone who is wealthier or more financially solvent or, to be more precise, someone with no previous history (like an ex-wife and children). If he is a good guy, and he sounds like one, he will be financially responsible for his kids until they finish college. You may not be comfortable with him diverting money that you believe should be spent on your future together with children from his previous marriage. If that’s your issue, ask him about his financial responsibilities and how that will impact your life together.
Don’t make big life decisions based on a straw poll from friends.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.
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