I fled our $2.2M home due to domestic abuse. I’m on the loan, but we’re both on the title. My husband won’t sell. What now?
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I have a dilemma, and maybe it’s worthy of feedback. I have been married for seven years in a community-property state. I feel trapped and never intended to be on a mortgage for a $2.2 million house I can’t live in. He doesn’t understand financial conversations and is ignorant of the ways we could otherwise invest in real estate.
I bought a home with my then-fiancé in 2016, whom I married in 2017. Although my husband is wealthy and he contributed a $1 million down payment, I mortgaged the rest in my name. We are both on the title. The money my husband received is all from a trust. He makes no real money himself. There’s $750,000 left on the mortgage. l make six figures.
‘I had to move out due to domestic violence.’
Fast forward to today: The house was refinanced twice and a HELOC was taken out in my name only because I had the creditworthiness. The bank didn’t want him on loan. I had to move out due to domestic violence. At the time, I wanted to get out of that house and have my own safe space. I took my son from a previous relationship and we rented an apartment.
I have still been living in a rental for almost 4 years while we “work on the marriage,“ which remains volatile and unhealthy. I have tried to divorce him several times, but I have not been able to complete it because he and his lawyers have drastically weaponized the legal system due to his ability to pay non-stop lawyer fees. Where divorces go, money talks.
I want off the mortgage so I can buy something for myself. Although he has the ability to buy me out, he refuses. He likes to control me with my being stuck on the mortgage. He pays late sometimes. At this juncture, I cannot afford an attorney and a partition motion is also expensive. Am I financially irresponsible to stick around while he remains in the marital home?
Separated & Stuck
Related: I’m 69 and only have $121,000 in my 401(k). How can I repair the damage of the past?
Dear Separated,
Your dilemma is, of course, worthy of consideration, and you are worthy of a life free from abuse and coercion, and financial control.
You have two choices: allow yourself to be stymied by your husband’s money and uncooperative nature, or take this process of starting your new life, financially, legally and personally, one filing or step at a time, and plow on with your plans to create a safe space for the next chapter of your life. It hasn’t been easy. It won’t be easy. But it will be worth it.
Divorce is expensive, and so is forcing a partition action to get your estranged spouse to sell the house. They can both cost anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000, depending on the complexities, the amount of money involved and, yes, how difficult the other party makes it for you. If you can’t afford to do this yourself, you need to seek legal aid (more on that below).
You may be better off hiring a lawyer who specializes in domestic abuse and who may accept full or partial payment after the sale of your house. You say the marriage is volatile, but this property has kept you tied to your estranged spouse. If that’s the final connection to you, and he can hold that over you, he will continue to do that until you have had enough.
The less you account for your husband’s knowledge of financial matters and the more you focus on your goals — financial and personal independence — the better. Your home should, all going well, continue to increase in value, but so will any home you choose to buy. And with mortgage rates still high, cash buyers have a distinct advantage.
Your husband is, arguably, in a more vulnerable position than you, as the bank will take that $1 million to cover the remainder of the loan if it has to foreclose.
The repeated refinancing has obviously added to your mortgage debt, but you still get to walk away with $725,000 each. You will probably have to downsize, as most people do after a divorce. Your husband is, arguably, in a more vulnerable position than you, as the bank will take that $1 million to cover the remainder of the loan if it has to foreclose.
You live in a community-property state where marital property is typically split 50/50 and you take what you brought into the marriage. But laws vary from state to state. For example, while California considers wealth earned during the marriage marital property, the rules get more complex when domestic violence is involved, and if there was a conviction.
If there is a domestic violence conviction, “the injured spouse can keep some or all of the convicted spouse’s community property interest in their own retirement and pension benefits,” according to Hoover Krepelka, a law firm based in San Jose, Calif. A judge can also enforce a civil-action judgment against the abuser’s share of community property.
“The law prohibits requiring the victim to pay support to a spouse who has been convicted of a domestic violence felony within the previous five years,” the law firm says. “A history of domestic violence is also one of the factors that can be considered by the court in determining a spousal support award, even if there is not a criminal conviction.”
Don’t allow this man to take you hostage. You’re halfway to freedom and a new life already.
Are you experiencing domestic violence or coercive control? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. FreeFrom works to establish financial security for domestic-violence survivors, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Women’s Aid supports efforts to change conditions that lead to domestic violence and coercive control.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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