My husband plans to leave his entire estate to his adult son, who steals his credit card to gamble online. What can I do?
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Longtime reader, first-time writer. I am seeking advice about my blended family situation.
My husband of three years is 57, and I am 52. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we each have one child, both of them now young adults. We signed a prenup and keep our finances mostly separate, but we plan to buy a home together when we retire.
He plans to retire in his mid-60s, and I plan to retire at 70 or even later. We currently live in his home, and I help pay the bills as a contribution to our monthly expenses. We both have assets of our own, but he has about twice as much as I have.
He has a will leaving everything to his son, which was written prior to our marriage. I don’t have a will but plan to make one soonish, or perhaps just wait because my husband and I were planning to do estate planning together at some point, and I’m sure we’ll be fair.
Dementia runs in my husband’s family. It has affected both of his parents, and he and I are prepared to deal with it if it happens to him. What I worry about is our finances if it were to happen. My husband’s son has been known to take money from his dad without permission.
‘He took my husband’s credit card and used it for personal expenses.’
From the time he was a tween until now, as far as I’m aware, he has been sneaking cash from his dad’s wallet. When he was around 15, he used my husband’s credit card to gamble online. At 17, he took my husband’s credit card and used it for personal expenses.
At 18, he added his dad’s card to his Amazon account and started purchasing expensive items without permission. Mind you, during some of these incidents, his son had a job, and each time he did it, he swore up and down he’d never do it again.
There were other instances, but you get the idea. I would be very anxious if my husband’s son had power over my husband’s finances. If his son squanders his money, we would only be left with my retirement savings, which may not be enough to cover the care that may be required.
My stepson is not an addict or anything. He just really likes money and material stuff. If my husband gets dementia and there is no living will, is there a chance that his son could get power of attorney over my husband’s finances?
The Wife
Dear Wife,
You’re asking the wrong question about the right topic.
You do want to hold power of attorney for your husband and, with your agreement, he should set that up now — not when he becomes too ill to make that decision for himself. Otherwise, you could have a battle royale with your stepson on your hands.
What if you die before your husband? Make sure you have a will and up-to-date beneficiary so your child is not forgotten in the mix. There’s a risk that you spend so much time thinking about your husband and his son, that you forget about your own in your estate planning.
Power of attorney should be held by a trustworthy person, and he should set it up while he is of sound mind and without coercion. If he were to give you power of attorney after the onset of dementia, your stepson could have grounds to petition the court to challenge the POA.
For all of the above reasons, make an appointment with a trust and estate attorney today. One week turns into one month, which turns into one year, and the longer you wait, the more likely you are to be taken by surprise by unexpected events.
A power of attorney should be held by someone trustworthy, and your husband should set that up while he is of sound mind and without any coercion.
Whatever you decide, your husband may wish to set up a trust for you and his son, so that you are taken care of during your lifetime. He could leave an income for his son, if he believes he could squander his inheritance, and a life estate for you in his house.
Power of attorney can give the holder the ability to make decisions related to your husband’s finances or his medical affairs. That includes whether he wants to have a “do not resuscitate” order in the event of a health emergency.
Set one up for yourself too. Your husband’s family may have a history of dementia, but what happens if you have a medical emergency or you are somehow incapacitated? Look after yourself first, and then focus on your husband’s affairs.
Setting up a power of attorney can reduce emotional stress for a person’s loved ones, MetLife says. Without this, a court could appoint a conservator to manage a person’s affairs. “The individual and their family have no control over who the court chooses,” MetLife adds.
Well-adjusted adults don’t normally steal credit cards from their parents. Your stepson may need support for undiagnosed mental-health issues.
Your stepson may not have substance-abuse issues, but he could have other bad behaviors, including impulsive shopping habits or a gambling addiction that neither you nor your husband are aware of. Or he may simply be addicted to good old-fashioned financial malfeasance.
“Troubled adult children often are master manipulators of their frustrated, desperate-feeling parents,” according to Jeffrey Bernstein, a parent coach and psychologist. “They know the guilt-triggering painful comments to say to their emotionally exhausted, vulnerable parents.”
He could also be struggling with his mental health in addition to his finances. Well-adjusted adults don’t normally steal credit cards from their parents. Your stepson may need support for depression or anxiety or other undiagnosed mental-health issues.
You’ve only been married for three years. A lot can happen over the next three years. If you do buy a home together, make sure your deed is tenants in common with the right of survivorship, if you each wish to inherit your spouse’s share, and not tenants in common.
Don’t get caught up in the drama. Get caught up with your legal documents instead.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com.
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