Author: Quentin Fottrell

Am I a hypocrite for going to this wedding and not the family wedding?

Guilty Guest

Related: My girlfriend and I are having a symbolic ‘wedding.’ She does not want to lose her health benefits — and I don’t want to lose my shirt.

Dear Guilty,

Your money, your choice.

Attending a destination wedding is expensive, so you should only go if you want to go. You could have sent your family your regrets, adding, “We’d be there in a heartbeat, except we don’t want to go.” Most people would not be so blunt. They’d weigh up the pros and cons (“we don’t want to leave our child alone for three days, it costs a lot of money and it’s not worth it as we won’t have that good a time to justify the hassle”) and send a gift and their regrets. The hosts don’t need an explanation, and you don’t owe them one.

There are also a few things that are different this time around. 1. You’re no longer new parents, so you have more bandwidth and willingness to travel without your child and you’re probably less sensitive about the no-child rule. 2. After years of married life as parents, you understand the mental-health benefits of getting away by yourselves. 3. The location is more exciting this time around. 4. You may like this couple more and have a better connection with them. 5. You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family. 

Destination weddings and a ‘no-child’ policy are two ways to whittle down the guest list.

They are two different weddings in two different places, so you have the right to choose one over the other. This poll by the personal-finance platform LendingTree found that destination-wedding guests spend about $1,400 on average, including on travel, gifts and personal items, and they spend upwards of $2,500 for such weddings outside of the U.S. That’s close to a monthly rent or mortgage repayment for most people, and it’s money that you could spend on your children’s schoolbooks and clothes, and/or summer camp.

What’s more, destination weddings are expensive to host and expensive to attend. So having a wedding in a far-flung location is one way to whittle down the guest list; you get to invite people who expect to be invited, but you know a higher percentage of those invitees will send their regrets, while closest friends (for the most part) will probably be more likely to attend, especially if they’re there with a larger friend group. The “no-child rule” is also a way of whittling down the guest list. Many parents won’t leave their kids at home.

Here’s my macro take for anyone who is invited to a wedding, whether it’s a destination or otherwise. The world doesn’t stop just because two people are getting married. You don’t have to turn your life upside down, fly in the in-laws to mind your children, and spend thousands of dollars on gifts, clothing and air fare and hotels to show up for a couple to say “I do.” The best weddings I’ve attended have been held in a village hall in the English countryside or the backyard in a house in Long Island. 

The bigger the fuss, the more stress. That’s why micro-weddings are growing in popularity. 

The bigger the fuss, the more stressful the wedding. That’s why micro-weddings are growing in popularity. People understand that intimacy and having a wedding without the need to post pictures on social media adds value to the day for everyone involved. It turns it from an off-Broadway production that nobody wanted to see into a special event that not only doesn’t cost $30,000 (the cost of the average wedding if you believe some wedding websites) but has that rare quality in the 21st Century: privacy.

Does anyone remember when weddings were supposed to be fun? Your relatives who married five years ago don’t need to read about your friends’ wedding on Instagram META, but nor do you have to hide it from them if it comes up in conversation. It’s a different wedding, at a different time of your life and, therefore, you made a different decision. If they are truly concerned about people who sent regrets to their wedding and had the nerve to attend another destination during their lifetime, they have bigger problems than the one contained in your letter. 

Enjoy your guilt-free trip to the Caribbean sans kids. 

Related: ‘Marriage sure does make love suck’: My fiancée wants a big, expensive wedding — I want to a downpayment for a house

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. 

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:

‘We’ve had two cars for 40 years’: With congestion charges, insurance and gas prices — should we sell our second car? Or will we regret it?

‘I’ve never been happier’: I married a wonderful lady from Ukraine. I have two successful kids. Do I put my wife on the deed to my home?

My sister made frequent withdrawals from the ‘bank of Mom and Dad.’ Now our family is torn apart. What can I do?

Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where members help answer life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

By emailing your questions to the Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on the Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.

Any advice or input you can give me would be much appreciated. I want to protect my assets.

Questioning My Relationship

Related: ‘It was obvious I wasn’t in Kansas anymore’: My local bank has no cashiers — and declined to accept my money. What’s going on?

Dear Questioning,

There’s one word missing from your letter: love. 

Do you love him? Other questions that are key to your situation: Do you trust him? Do you like him? Can you envision a life with him? His kids will be grown up before you know it, and they will have kids of their own. Can you imagine growing old with him? When you have spent time in his company, how does that make you feel? Nourished, happy and at peace? Or confused and alone? Marriage is a business contract and it’s important to be financially transparent with each other, as he has been, but it’s also a commitment to spend your life together. 

As for your responsibility for your potential husband’s student debt and child-support payments. “A new spouse is not obligated to support a child from a prior marriage or relationship,” according to McKean Family Law in Roseville, Calif. “The responsibility of making sure the child’s basic needs are being met falls on the parents of the child.” And student debt incurred prior to you marrying is typically considered separate — not marital — property and is not your responsibility, as long as you are not a co-signer and have not guaranteed the loan. In any case, a prenuptial agreement is a good idea for anyone getting married for the first (or second) time.

He is more than the sum of his financial parts. 

No one will be perfect and, in the grand scheme of things, $40,000 is not a lot of money to owe for student loans, especially if he has equity in his homes that he could tap in an emergency, and a good career. Your question about whether you should run for the hills suggests a certain detachment. If you are looking at this as strictly a financial set-up, you will be unhappy regardless of whether he is solvent or not. Americans owe approximately $1.6 trillion in student debt, up more than 40% over the last decade. Those with a postgraduate degree owe a median of $40,000 to $49,999, according to the Pew Research Center.

On the upside: “Young college graduates with student loans still tend to have higher household incomes than their counterparts who haven’t completed college,” Pew says. “For many young adults, student loans are a way to make an otherwise unattainable education a reality. Although these students have to borrow money to attend college, the investment might make sense if it leads to higher earnings later in life. College graduates ages 25 to 39 who have student loan debt have higher household incomes than non-college graduates in the same age group.” Being self-employed takes guts, and it’s not an easy road.

He’s not a deadbeat dad. He’s not a bad guy, at least from your telling. He is more than the sum of his financial parts. You may prefer someone who is wealthier or more financially solvent or, to be more precise, someone with no previous history (like an ex-wife and children). If he is a good guy, and he sounds like one, he will be financially responsible for his kids until they finish college. You may not be comfortable with him diverting money that you believe should be spent on your future together with children from his previous marriage. If that’s your issue, ask him about his financial responsibilities and how that will impact your life together.

Don’t make big life decisions based on a straw poll from friends.

Related: ‘Some airline passengers are gross’: I don’t understand why they cheat to board early. Why do they act like savages?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. 

The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

‘I know it’s awkward to give advice to wealthy people’: My wife, 50, has terminal cancer. Our estate is worth $18 million. How do we prepare?

My second wife is younger than me. If I die first, how do I make sure she doesn’t cut off my children?

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You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. 

Check out The Moneyist’s private Facebook group, where members help answer life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.

I can’t deal with managing them — the game of keeping them open and checking to make sure there are no mystery charges. I’m old but active, and I don’t want my family to have to deal with this when I go. How bad would it be to close down five at all at once?

Tired of Juggling

Related: ‘It’s so unfair!’ I’m miserable in my job. I’m 58 and have $1 million in a 401(k) and Roth IRA. Can I afford to quit?

Dear Juggler,

It’s hard to find someone who would say closing a credit card is a good idea. The chief reason is that it will hurt your credit score. But you should not be held hostage by your credit score, and 18 credit cards is at least 15 too many, so close them you shall. You can’t break up with a partner without hurting their feelings, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and you can’t close your credit cards without dinging your credit score. That’s life, I’m afraid.

I’m in favor of you closing five and, hopefully, more. If you have to make any big purchase like a car and you need a loan, do it now. If you already have a mortgage and you don’t intend to take out a personal loan for the next six months or so, this is a good time to rid yourself of these cards once and for all. There are card closures that should take priority, once you have made sure that there is zero balance on those cards, and you have redeemed their points.

Cancel credit cards with the lowest credit limit (the less you use of your credit limit, the better). Generally, most experts recommend keeping your credit-utilization ratio below 30%. “Canceling a card may increase your credit utilization — the proportion you use of your available credit — which can also lower your score,” Experian says. If you have an overall limit of $1,000 and you use $250 of it, your credit-utilization ratio is 25%, it says; if you use $500? It’s 50%.

Some other rules of thumb when closing credit cards: The older your credit, the better risk you are for lenders, so cancel your newest cards first. Finally, prioritize canceling cards with hefty annual fees; if you’re not using them, there’s no point in paying them. “It can be good to show lenders that you can successfully manage multiple credit accounts, as they may see this as evidence that you’re a reliable borrower,” Experian says. 

The main credit bureaus — Equifax EFX, Transunion TRU and Experian UK:EXPN — calculate their scores differently, so your score would be dinged differently depending on the bureau. For instance, a FICO FICO score has five categories: payment history (35%), amounts owed (30%), length of credit history (15%), new credit (10%) and credit mix (10%). In other words, FICO values consumers who stay on top of their finances.

Your credit score should be fully recovered a year from now, or less. Godspeed with managing your finances going forward, keeping your credit utilization low, and maintaining a long credit history. This will be crucial if you require any kind of loan over the next few years. The best time to take a hit to your credit score is, of course, when you don’t actually need it. 

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. 

The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

‘I never thought they would be in this situation’: Our daughter and son-in-law spend money as fast as his parents give it to them. Do we butt in?

‘We don’t have a joint account’: My husband has a tenant from hell. He forces me to pay for all his rental-property expenses. Am I being used?

I give my mother’s ailing next-door neighbor $500 a month. She agreed to sell me her house, although she’ll continue to live there. Is this wise?

Check out The Moneyist’s private Facebook group, where members help answer life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.