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My husband and I have been married for 18 years and together for 19 years. We have a son together, and he has a daughter who is 10 years older than our son.
When we married, we combined all our financial accounts. My husband felt strongly that he should keep a separate life-insurance policy for his daughter that is valued at $100,000. I took out a life-insurance policy through work for a similar amount for our son. That will no longer be available after I retire next year.
Our wills split our money, with a third going to charity, a third to his daughter and a third to our son. While I have never been a huge fan of this distribution, over the past year I have become unhappy for two reasons.
First, his daughter will receive a separate inheritance from her mother.
The second, larger issue is emotional. I have treated her like a bonus daughter. She is in every family picture (the same is not true of her mother and her mother’s second family).
I attended every school event and every sporting event, contributed equally to her college fund, included her on every family vacation – even though she is 28, she contributes almost nothing to those trips, and her dad does not wish to force her to as she would otherwise not likely attend, even though we are just talking about a cabin and nothing elaborate. Birthdays and holidays are treated equally for each of the kids.
I wanted to be sure to wear an understated outfit for the mother of the bride’s sake, and yet be dressed nicely as a person who has been in her life since she was 8 years old.
This year she got married, and I was completely left out of any planning, bridal-shower and wedding activities. Her mother and I get along without drama. In fact, her mother said she wanted me to be included because I was part of her family. When I asked my stepdaughter to go shopping together for my dress, her response was “get whatever you want.”
I wanted to be sure to wear an understated outfit for the mother of the bride’s sake, and yet be dressed nicely as a person who has been in her life since she was 8 years old. It is obvious to me that my husband’s former wife views me as a person who is her husband’s wife, and not as a friend. That makes me sad as I viewed her differently and we have never had cross words.
Since my stepdaughter is my son’s only sibling, I do want that relationship maintained. However, I am becoming uncomfortable with her receiving an equal inheritance. I came from almost nothing and have worked extremely hard to be financially secure. She has a job but expects money to be handed to her. My son, on the other hand, is a go-getter and is working very hard.
When I am gone, I am gone. But I am having a hard time leaving her half of my hard-earned savings. Thoughts?
The Stepmother
Dear Stepmother,
You can’t be liked by everyone, as much as you try.
You could fly to the moon and back and still not get a “welcome home” from your stepdaughter, or a card congratulating you on your trip from your husband’s former wife. The more you do for your stepdaughter, the more you believe she should appreciate you, respect you and like you. But life doesn’t work that way. In fact, your efforts may be having the opposite effect. She might even consider you pushy, even if that is unjust.
Yes, it would have been nice for her to acknowledge your position in the family during her wedding celebrations, given everything you have done for her over the years, even if she felt agnostic about your presence at her wedding or in her life. But this is a time for her to do things the way she wants them done. Your frustration with her is likely mirrored by her eye rolls. You may have to accept that she’s not going to come around.
You and your husband have two financial hurdles to overcome: the decision about how to split any inheritance, and how you make that decision.
You and your husband have two financial hurdles to overcome: the decision about how to split any inheritance, and how you make that decision. You could go to battle with him and argue that you would like the satisfaction of knowing that your son will receive as close as possible to 100% of your separate assets. This may be a difficult task given that you have commingled so many of your marital assets, including — I presume — your home.
There are ways you can divert funds to your son. First, if you own your house through tenancy in common, you can deed your 50% share to your son. Second, you and your husband can divide your joint accounts 50/50, and you can add your son as a beneficiary to your own. It may not get him to 100%, but it could get him pretty close. Third, you can set up a trust that becomes irrevocable upon either one of your deaths so that neither of you can alter the terms on their own.
Even if you and your husband come to a mutually agreeable arrangement, taking such precautions would give you peace of mind that your husband won’t have a change of heart if you should die first. If you simply write a will together, your wishes would not necessarily be carried out if he outlived you. He could, for example, decide to split your marital estate 50/50 between your son and his daughter. After all, it might make more sense for him to want to leave each of his kids an equal share.
On the upside, if you did go first, you would never need to know.
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