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Five years ago, I was invited to my cousin’s wedding in Portland, Ore. There were no children allowed. We couldn’t take our 2-year-old and didn’t really have someone to care for her (I don’t think that we asked my in-laws to care for her that weekend).
This Memorial Day weekend, my wife and I are going to a longtime friend’s wedding in the Caribbean. My in-laws are coming to watch our 7-year-old daughter and her 2-year-old sister (we now have a house with a bedroom where they can sleep).
Am I a hypocrite for going to this wedding and not the family wedding?
Guilty Guest
Dear Guilty,
Your money, your choice.
Attending a destination wedding is expensive, so you should only go if you want to go. You could have sent your family your regrets, adding, “We’d be there in a heartbeat, except we don’t want to go.” Most people would not be so blunt. They’d weigh up the pros and cons (“we don’t want to leave our child alone for three days, it costs a lot of money and it’s not worth it as we won’t have that good a time to justify the hassle”) and send a gift and their regrets. The hosts don’t need an explanation, and you don’t owe them one.
There are also a few things that are different this time around. 1. You’re no longer new parents, so you have more bandwidth and willingness to travel without your child and you’re probably less sensitive about the no-child rule. 2. After years of married life as parents, you understand the mental-health benefits of getting away by yourselves. 3. The location is more exciting this time around. 4. You may like this couple more and have a better connection with them. 5. You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.
Destination weddings and a ‘no-child’ policy are two ways to whittle down the guest list.
They are two different weddings in two different places, so you have the right to choose one over the other. This poll by the personal-finance platform LendingTree found that destination-wedding guests spend about $1,400 on average, including on travel, gifts and personal items, and they spend upwards of $2,500 for such weddings outside of the U.S. That’s close to a monthly rent or mortgage repayment for most people, and it’s money that you could spend on your children’s schoolbooks and clothes, and/or summer camp.
What’s more, destination weddings are expensive to host and expensive to attend. So having a wedding in a far-flung location is one way to whittle down the guest list; you get to invite people who expect to be invited, but you know a higher percentage of those invitees will send their regrets, while closest friends (for the most part) will probably be more likely to attend, especially if they’re there with a larger friend group. The “no-child rule” is also a way of whittling down the guest list. Many parents won’t leave their kids at home.
Here’s my macro take for anyone who is invited to a wedding, whether it’s a destination or otherwise. The world doesn’t stop just because two people are getting married. You don’t have to turn your life upside down, fly in the in-laws to mind your children, and spend thousands of dollars on gifts, clothing and air fare and hotels to show up for a couple to say “I do.” The best weddings I’ve attended have been held in a village hall in the English countryside or the backyard in a house in Long Island.
The bigger the fuss, the more stress. That’s why micro-weddings are growing in popularity.
The bigger the fuss, the more stressful the wedding. That’s why micro-weddings are growing in popularity. People understand that intimacy and having a wedding without the need to post pictures on social media adds value to the day for everyone involved. It turns it from an off-Broadway production that nobody wanted to see into a special event that not only doesn’t cost $30,000 (the cost of the average wedding if you believe some wedding websites) but has that rare quality in the 21st Century: privacy.
Does anyone remember when weddings were supposed to be fun? Your relatives who married five years ago don’t need to read about your friends’ wedding on Instagram META, but nor do you have to hide it from them if it comes up in conversation. It’s a different wedding, at a different time of your life and, therefore, you made a different decision. If they are truly concerned about people who sent regrets to their wedding and had the nerve to attend another destination during their lifetime, they have bigger problems than the one contained in your letter.
Enjoy your guilt-free trip to the Caribbean sans kids.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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